Ezra Dyer: Everybody Please Give a Big Warm Welcome to Me

I have a completely valid driver’;s license. I personal 3 turbochargers. Junior Johnson once mailed me some ham.

Greetings, Earthlings. This is a momentous occasion, my debut column for Automobile and Driver. I told editor-in-chief Eddie Alterman that I want this 1st piece to be a sensation, the magazine equivalent of these Dodge Neon ads that mentioned “Hi.” He replied, “You’re fired.” I’m kidding, of course. I’m only on probation. And frankly I believe that has a lot more to do with a small scenario involving stodgy workplace dress codes and mesh half-shirts.

A little bit about me: I have a totally valid driver’s license. I personal 3 turbochargers. Junior Johnson as soon as mailed me some ham. I put my pants on 1 leg at a time, except when I’m in education for the Globe Speed Dressing Championships—which are held quinquennially in Copenhagen, so I’ll be out for a couple of months in 2017.

This is not my 1st time scrubbing the gunwales on the ol’ word barge, as the saying goes. If you are unfamiliar with my work, then welcome to 2014. Hey, was it cool there? Where? Below the rock you had been living beneath for fairly some time! I’m excited to torment, I imply entertain, a new audience. Grandpa wants to inform his stories to a new household.

Anyway, if you missed the press conference, I’d like to thank the fans in Calgary for a lot of excellent years there, but now I’m excited to bring a championship to New York. These who recently bought a jersey will acquire a coupon great for 15 percent off at licensed retailers, valid via last week.

So what can you expect from this space? Oftentimes this column will pertain to my political ideology. Some of you may possibly ask, “What do your private political beliefs have to do with cars?” And you might have a point, for I am a Whig.

2008 Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren roadster

The fastest I’ve ever driven was 206 mph in a Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren 722 Edition in Dubai. This is even a lot more impressive when you contemplate that I did it without having listening to any Sammy Hagar songs, which are scarce on the dial in the Middle East.

Correct now my household car is a Lincoln MKT EcoBoost, which is very easily the sexiest twin-turbo domestic crossover named for our country’s 16th president. It is white, and I Plasti-Dipped the wheels black. My wife has received 2 compliments on this modification, both of them from girls. As a result proving however once more that if you want to impress the ladies, you have got to remain on prime of the most current trends in do-it-your self car customization.

Although I own a Lincoln, I contemplate myself an automotive omnivore. I’m into everything from IROCs all the way to Z/28s. Whether or not we’re talking an RS or a ZL1, I can appreciate each sort of automobile the planet has to provide. Except Berlinettas. These went downhill soon after they won that prestigious award in ’82, the Makeout maga­zine Greatest Vehicle for Necking.

Now, in terms of auto testimonials, I want to tell it to you straight. If a vehicle understeers, I’ll say it understeers. If it oversteers, I’ll say it oversteers. If it is neutral, I’ll say it oversteers. And then technical director Don Sherman will gently correct me in his deferential, nurturing way. “Friend,” he’ll say, “even smart and talented drivers like your self occasionally perceive chassis neutrality as oversteer. Chin up, tiger. You are nevertheless wonderful!” Yep, that is how that would go.

Speaking of my new coworkers, I recently identified myself riding on the back of a moped in rural France with executive editor Aaron Robinson. We were both wearing snazzy leather helmets that he described as “made in Korea, DOT-nothing,” checking out some corners at the 24 Hours of Le Mans. When we decided to leave the Arnage corner, Robinson’s 90-cc Honda failed to start. I suggested we push-begin it. “We cannot,” he stated. “I’m operating it total loss.”

2010 Lincoln MKT EcoBoost V-6

I, as well, was at a total loss, even more so when he declared, “Guess we’ll be walking.” Just when I was thinking this was all some sort of sick hazing ritual for new workers, Robinson realized that the Honda wouldn’t start since it wasn’t in neutral. Good news: We weren’t walking. Bad news: I was once once again riding on the back of a moped.

Surviving that experience gave me a newfound appreciation for life and renewed commitment to the enlightened highbrow journalism you have come to expect from this august publication. While I’ve embarked on many an ambitious story, there is significantly left to accomplish: driving a monster truck, carrying out a wheelie with a monster truck, spinning donuts in a monster truck. Yes, most of my career ambitions involve monster trucks.

Right about now, astute readers are most likely thinking: “He said he owns 3 turbochargers. The MKT has 2. Where’s the other turbo? What does it all mean?” Before you quit your job and go reside in a teepee in the ungovernable woods behind Walmart, I’ll tell you that the other turbo is in my Bronco. The turbo is a Garrett, which is appropriate because it is roughly the size of actor Brad Garrett’s head.

Now you might wonder why a Bronco is turbocharged. I assure you, you will locate out in due time. This is just the 1st column. Grandpa has a lot a lot more stories to inform.

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Ezra Dyer: Everybody Please Give a Big Warm Welcome to Me